Why 'Open Your Heart!' is a Problematic Thing to Say to a Single Pal

I’ve been happily single for about two years now but I do sometimes feel like it would be nice to be in a relationship. I’ve been on the apps lately and all I was being served was a bunch of suspects who look like they belong on a Netflix true-crime doco…until I swiped and matched with someone. We don’t live in the same town but he said he’d be nearby in a week or two. We ended up meeting up for drinks and began a pattern of texting and phone calls until he planned a second trip so we could have dinner.

The day before we were due to meet, he phoned and asked if he could stay at my (one-bedroom) place. Up went my anxiety - it all just felt a bit soon - but a friend has been telling/urging me to push past my comfort zone and be more actively open to love…so I (reluctantly) agreed.

He called on his way over to suggest that we don’t go to the restaurant we’d booked but that we could just order in and hang out at mine. Hmmm….felt like a downgrade but I (reluctantly) agreed. Heart open, I reminded myself.

After two bottles of wine, cold Thai and some pretty persistent efforts on his part, we ended up in bed. Despite not really wanting to, I ended up relenting and we had (pretty average) sex. The next morning, we went out for breakfast and hung out for a few hours until he eventually hit the road home. Later, he texted to say he’d arrived and all seemed good, promising even. Yet by 8.30am the next day, I get a text from him with a very different tone; saying that he really doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, we’re not really a match, and that he wishes me, wait for it: ‘all the best’.

WTF? He’s the one that was really driving this. I was open! I guess I’m more annoyed that instead of trusting my discomfort when I felt it, I forced myself to lean into something that didn’t feel right or at the right pace for me. I was so trying to be this new, open version of myself and now I just feel stupid and a little humiliated.

Heart now officially closed for business!

Hey Lady,

I can’t tell you how many tales of dating woe have hit my ears and/or inbox from people who have been constantly urged by others to: ‘Put Yourself Out There!’, ‘Say Yes To Love!’, and ‘Keep Your Heart Open!’. These newly-open-hearted ‘yes’ people have been so keen to comply that they’ve ignored their inner warning bells in the process; I’m taking about lowered standards, poor decisions, unnecessary compromises and pressured, fast-tracked intimacy that didn’t feel right from the get go.

Telling a friend to open their heart may seem like a fairly innocuous thing to say. It may even seem encouraging, as it was quite possibly intended. But here’s a note to the open-heart encouragers who might be reading this: when it’s said more than once, it can make the recipient feel like they’re a calcified half-human who is uptight and heart-hardened. Worse, it may also encourage that human to ignore their second brain (the gut) — even when it’s desperately trying to get the attention of their first brain to red-flag a comment, suggestion or scenario. To consider people they wouldn’t normally consider or situations that they would naturally side-step and just because they’ve been harangued by a well-meaning friend to: Be Open To Love.

But back to you, Lady. I must gently remind you that you are an adult and that you don’t need to listen to these well-meaners so literally that you take their encouragement to the extreme, muting any red-flag feels about someone you don’t know all that well. Also, you’ve used the word ‘agreed’ quite a bit. When you don’t like a suggestion, a plan change or a wayward finger then just say so. [@Everyone: why are some of us so polite and agreeable to people we’ve only just met?!]

Do not beat yourself up. Channel some perspective. Be relieved that you still have your valuables.

In your grand scheme of things, we can archive this as a blimp, a bump, a forgettable fumble but I can still understand why you are feeling a little stupid and a bit humil (your words) in the now. Who hasn’t had a moment where we've let a situation happen to us or have ignored the ick and the impulse to pull the pin? To block and delete. To say no. Or no, for right now. That wave of regret you’re experiencing is part a slight ding to the ego and part you beating yourself up for not trusting your intuition and judgement; because you let someone you didn’t know all that well push past your boundaries and into your home and your person. Do not beat yourself up. Channel some perspective. Be relieved that you still have your valuables.

Let’s rewind for a sec; I need to remind you and your friend (give me their number) that you kicked this off by saying that you are open to love. You declared a desire to partner up. You’ve hit the apps to put yourself out there and you’ve been diligently swiping away. So I would call you: Open. Please resist the urge to now retreat into an offline existence and avoid the gaze of other humans. Just brush off the unnecessarily-felt humil, champion that excellent intuition of yours and power back up. Throw yourself into a sea of fresh humans. Get back on the apps (if you have the strength and the spare time). For I believe there is good out there in the world for you. And that you can still be open to love and love-adjacent opportunities without having to lower your fine self to Uber Eats as a second date.

All The Best (and I really do mean that).

Image credit: ©Agata Serge